How To Make Emotionally Intelligent Friendships: 7 Secrets From Research

Trying to connect with people can feel like trying to put a USB stick into a port: there’s a 90% chance you’ll get it wrong three times, even though there are only two possible ways it can go in.

But relationships matter. Like, life-and-death matter. As I wrote about in my second book: the size and quality of your relationships either equals or exceeds almost all the other factors in determining your mortality.

So, yes, to live longer, you must endure all the joys of small talk, awkward hugs, and pretending to care about Karen’s new essential oils business. Every time you endure Uncle George’s conspiracy theories, you’re basically adding another year to your life.

And beyond health and longevity, your relationships are also responsible for a disproportionate amount of your happiness. To thrive, we need friends. Real friends. I’m talking about those deep connections where you can let your freak flag fly without fear of judgment. The kind of friends who won’t judge you for that weird noise you make when you laugh or the fact that you still know all the words to every Spice Girls song.

So how do we get the process of making friends to be less painful and awkward?

Well, we’re going to get some science-based answers from David Robson’s wonderful book “The Laws of Connection.”

Let’s get to it…

 

They Like You More Than You Think

“What if they don’t like me?”

Believe it or not, this concern is so common they have a term for it in social science: “The Liking Gap.”

They’ve found it again and again in all manner of studies whenever subjects had to talk to strangers. Guess what? In nearly every single case, people’s fears were found to be “vastly overblown.”

Trust that others, on average, will like you as much as you like them. Science says so.

Yeah, I know, you’re still nervous you’re going to do something stupid and be disliked. You don’t need to worry. In one experiment, hapless volunteers were shoved through the “Trier Social Stress Test.” This is a grim triathlon of public speaking, a pretend job interview, and surprise mental arithmetic. It’s designed to make subjects as stressed as possible.

The twist? After it was over, independent judges actually preferred the people who were more nervous.

You’re probably not going to embarrass yourself when meeting someone new and even if you do, it usually just makes them like you more.

(To learn the secrets to having a resilient family, click here.)

But what should you actually say to people?

 

What To Talk About

You want to impress them. You figure you’ll tell them that cool story about that wild trip you went on or that unique experience where…

No. Stop. Don’t.

You’re about to fall into a trap that researchers call “the novelty penalty.” Most people can’t relate to your most exceptional stories. By definition, exceptional is not all that relatable. You might as well be telling them you met a wizard in a forest, and he gave you a prophecy.

It’s safer to talk about familiar topics so people have an easier time connecting with you.

Another common mistake is following the advice that we should “take the other person’s perspective.” Don’t do this. Unless you’re Professor X, you’re just going to be making assumptions. Forget “perspective taking” and, instead, try “perspective getting.”

How do you do that? Easy. Ask more questions. This is something that has been shown again and again to increase liking. We all enjoy people who are curious about us.

Now what kind of questions, you ask? Some types are definitely better than others:

• “Introductory questions” are essential, sure, but nobody’s thrilled about them. “So, where are you from?” “What do you do?” These are the bland rice cakes of conversation; necessary when there’s nothing else, but hardly anyone’s first choice.
• Also avoid “switch questions.” It’s when your questions change the topic of discussion midstream. Nobody enjoys this. It creates conversational whiplash.
• And definitely don’t engage in “boomerasking.” This is when you pose a question that’s a thinly veiled excuse to talk about yourself. Studies show people can tell and will find you distinctly unlikeable.

So what questions really help?

“Follow up questions” reign supreme. A good follow-up question is like conversational WD-40. A well-placed, “So how did that make you feel?” can work wonders.

Oh, one more very important thing: somewhere along the line, we’ve all heard that constant eye contact was a sign of interest.

No, it’s not. It’s terrifying. Real humans blink. Real humans look away occasionally. If you’re locked in a perpetual stare, the person you’re talking to isn’t thinking, “Wow, they’re so attentive.” They’re thinking, “Is this how I die?”

Don’t gawk like a weirdo. And for the love of all that is holy, blink.

(To learn how to have a happy marriage, click here.)

Now your mom probably told you interrupting people is rude. That’s usually true. But not always…

 

Interrupt People — Sometimes

You’re clicking. You’re both nodding so furiously it looks like you’re at a Metallica concert. If you’re in the middle of one of those magical, mind-meld conversations, and you feel that familiar itch to interrupt?

Go for it. Give them an “Exactly!” or even a “That’s what I was thinking!”

This shows that you’re not just listening, you’re invested. In these cases, a gentle interjection isn’t an interruption; it’s a high-five for the mind.

Similarly, Daniel McFarland of Stanford University found that when interruptions were “collaborative completions” they were welcome and increased liking. Interrupting was a positive when you’re helping someone articulate an idea they’re struggling to convey.

Now let me be clear: there is definitely a wrong way to interrupt. There’s a big difference between, “Oh my god, YES, that’s exactly what I was thinking,” and “Cool story, but let me tell you about the time I did something better…” The latter is just being a conversational predator.

Don’t be that person. We all know that person. We hate that person.

(To learn how to be an amazing parent, click here.)

Oh, and while we’re on the topic of things not to do…

 

Don’t Humblebrag

Let’s just agree on one thing right now: humblebragging makes you look like a tool.

In fact, studies show that humblebragging makes you seem less sincere than if you just bragged outright. It’s like you want credit for being successful but you also want bonus points for pretending it doesn’t matter to you. It clearly does, because you just shoved it in our faces wrapped in a sad tortilla of fake modesty.

Now there is another side to this: with close friends, don’t hold back on mentioning achievements you’re proud of. Nobody likes finding out months later that you started a new job or got engaged and didn’t say a word. That creates distance.

In fact, nearly all studies in this area have shown it’s better to mention accomplishments to friends than to hide them, as long as you’re tactful and don’t directly compare yourself to others. Sharing the things you’re excited about increases closeness for both of you.

But don’t humblebrag. After all, that’s what LinkedIn is for.

(To learn the secrets from neuroscience that will help you lose weight, click here.)

You knew it was coming. Yeah, it’s time for the “V” word…

 

Vulnerability

When meeting someone new, a little bit of self-disclosure is great for building rapport. And research shows people are more interested in your inner thoughts than you might guess.

The real issue is that vulnerability is terrifying. It’s profoundly awkward to open the Pandora’s box of your neuroses and hope the other person doesn’t immediately flee to the nearest exit.

But just like with that Trier Social Stress Test study, it turns out people like you more when you’re a little awkward. Social scientists refer to it as “the beautiful mess effect.” When given essays where people discussed their strengths, subjects rated the person, on average, as a 3.8. But when the essays were folks being vulnerable, the average rating shot up to 4.3.

Why? Because you’re real. You’re not hiding behind a façade of perfection. When you discuss your weaknesses and fears people perceive you as more honest and sincere.

So let the cracks show a little. Tell me how you accidentally threw your phone in the dishwasher because you weren’t paying attention. That’s relatable. That’s what brings us closer.

Now, of course, nobody enjoys being stuck in TMI territory either. So go slow with the vulnerability. You want to be relatable but not horrifying. “I love dogs” is a great start. “I love dogs so much I once ate dog food to see if it was good” is not. Begin with the mundane and ease them into your crazy.

(To learn how to stop procrastinating, click here.)

Okay, you’re past the introductory friendship stage. Time to deepen things…

 

Create A Shared Reality

Feelings of shared reality predict both quick rapport and long-term connection. It’s that click that happens when you realize someone experiences the world just like you do.

You know the vibe. When the waiter asks if you’d like to see the dessert menu, and your new friend gives you that tiny flicker of recognition because they, too, understand that no, we absolutely do not need dessert, but yes, we’re getting it anyway. That’s the kind of connection that outlasts most mortgages.

So what builds shared reality? Shared challenges.

Numerous studies have found that challenging activities make people feel closer. No, that doesn’t mean you have to climb Mount Kilimanjaro or go to war together. It can be much smaller, simpler challenges.

One study had two strangers eat hot chili peppers together while a second pair both ate candy. And these peppers were not the mild, you-might-survive-these kind. These were the type that should come with a waiver.

You guessed it; the pepper eaters felt closer afterward. That’s all it took.

Might seem small but when you and a stranger both bite into a chili pepper and feel like you’ve swallowed a thousand tiny, angry suns, you’re bound together in a way that polite conversation over a bowl of M&Ms can never achieve. You didn’t just share food; you shared an ordeal.

(To learn how to have an amazing relationship, click here.)

Alright, we’ve covered a lot. Time to round it all up and learn the easiest thing that creates connection…

 

Sum Up

Here’s how to make emotionally intelligent friendships…

• They Like You More Than You Think: Nine times out of ten, people are too busy starring in their own personal cringe comedy to care about your bit part. They might remember your mishaps for a hot minute, but they’re not keeping a record to pull out at your wedding toast.
• What To Talk About: You tell a unique, exceptional story. You can almost see the gears grinding to a halt as they try to place this foreign object in their mental furniture of understanding. Suddenly, you’re the weirdo who’s disrupting their mental feng shui. Instead, be relatable.
• Sometimes Interrupting Is The Smart Move: If it’s in support of what the other person is saying, go for it. It shows you and your conversational partner are so in sync, you might as well be operating a two-person mech suit.
• Don’t Humblebrag: If you’re going to brag, own it. “I got a new job, and I’m thrilled!” See? Easy. And friends will be happy for you. Why complicate it with, “Now I have to deal with a longer commute, ugh.” Do you want sympathy or applause? Pick a lane.
• Vulnerability: It’s okay to be the social equivalent of comfort food: messy, but relatable. That said, start slow. If you come out of the gate with, “I collect toenail clippings from historical figures,” people are going to call security.
• Create A Shared Reality: And that happens by facing challenges together. Even if the challenges are just eating chili peppers.

So what’s the simplest way to build connection? Pay them a sincere compliment.

People enjoy being told nice things about themselves. Groundbreaking, I know, but studies show we consistently underestimate how good compliments make other people feel and overestimate how awkward it might make things.

You think you’re going to say something nice and the person’s going to look at you like you just asked if you could borrow their toothbrush. Unlikely. In fact, you probably just made their day.

And what’s the secret to good compliments? It’s not enough to just say, “Hey, you’re smart.” No, no, no. You need to go deeper. You need to be specific, like you’ve been secretly observing them from the bushes for months.

At one point you received one of those compliments that felt like someone reached down into your soul and shook hands with your inner child. Nothing feels better. So pay attention. And say something that shows you’ve been paying attention.

Go ahead. Compliment someone today. Seriously, why are we so stingy with our praise? We act like there’s some kind of national compliment reserve and if we tap into it too often, we’ll cause an international shortage.

Compliments are free. And they can make someone’s day a thousand times better. Sprinkle them around like you’re a fairy godmother on a bender.

Oh, by the way, your ability to finish blog posts is just incredible. Seriously. I’m very impressed…