John Gottman Interview – Extended

Did you enjoy “The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems — And How To Fix Them“? Here are a few more great tips from John Gottman:

1) Erase The Word “But” From Your Vocabulary

John says that the word “but” is problematic. The only thing your partner will hear is what you say after the word “but.”

So “I love you but you’re really difficult to deal with” equals “You’re really difficult to deal with.”

Via John’s Principia Amoris:

Even if people say to their partner, “I like your point, you are brilliant, and it makes total sense … but …” their partner will hear “BUT, YOU ARE SO WRONG, you are such an idiot!”

(Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? Click here.)

2) Build Positive Rituals

Celebrating the good times is more important than how you deal with bad times. Here’s John:

This emphasizing and cherishing of your partner’s positive qualities turns out to be really critical as the basis of commitment.

What’s a great ritual? Unite at the end of the day and ask how your partner’s day went. Celebrate their victories and share your own. Here’s John:

Creating these rituals of connection that are intentional is very powerful. William Doherty talked about them in his book The Intentional Family. Instead of leaving good bonding moments to chance, you can make rituals that connect and have meaning so that ordinary moments become magical.

(For more on the science of sexy, click here.)

3) Start Sentences with “I”, Not “You”

In your next relationship discussion, stick with the word “I.” Stay away from the word “You.”

Remember Horseman #1, Criticism? Implying the problem lies in your partner’s character is really bad and starting with “I” can help you stop yourself from doing it. Here’s John:

That’s a very old recipe for how to not point your finger at you partner and say, “You’re the problem.” To really point your finger at yourself and soften that start up is important. By starting with “I” the masters are basically saying, “Hey, I love you, this isn’t a big deal, but here’s what I’m feeling about this issue.” It’s also good to say, “I might be wrong and this is just my point of view. I’d like to hear your point of view.” So using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ is not just an automatic recipe; it’s really about being gentle and being kind. Kindness is so underrated.

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