Ever feel like the cable company or your phone service provider is charging too much? Ever feel helpless to do much about it? You’re not crazy.
When you call them the customer service rep is reading from a script. I know somebody who has worked on producing those scripts — he’s a Harvard trained negotiator. An expert. He makes sure the phrasing triggers reciprocity and subtly includes a number of other techniques to benefit them — and not you.
So when you talk to the person reading that script you’re basically going up against a top tier negotiator. Totally not a fair fight. And that bugs me. A lot.
If they have experts helping them, we should have experts helping us. So I called a friend who is an expert.
Chris is going to show us a number of methods he’s used for dealing with hostage takers, terrorists and other people almost as scary as Comcast. Chris and I specifically discussed how you can lower your cable bill but these concepts will work for most any service provider you’re dealing with.
Here’s what you’ll learn in this post:
Let’s get to it…
Not a ton. But negotiation studies show that good results are correlated with time spent preparing.
Check what specials and discounts your cable company is offering new customers. Here’s Chris:
Look at what they’re offering new customers. By and large their rates for new customers are going to be slightly below market rates. That’s why they think it’s going to attract people. You can also take a look at what their competitors are offering but they will have done that research for you. That’s why they’re offering the price they’re offering because they’re getting it from the marketplace.
(For more on the fundamental principles of hostage negotiation, click here.)
Okay, you know what you’re looking to get out of this. But before we think about what to say, it’s important to think about how you say it.
No, you don’t have to do a Barry White imitation. The point is to make sure your voice is projecting calm and warmth.
Chris couldn’t be jumpy or angry when talking with hostage takers and you probably won’t get far like that dealing with battle-hardened customer service people either. They’re used to dealing with crazy people; they have a script for it.
Calm is largely a matter of slowing your speech down. Warmth comes from smiling while you speak. Here’s Chris:
Customer service people are so used to being attacked that this has to be the first step. It’ll either prevent them from putting their guard up or make them less leery in dropping their guard. It’s just a matter of slowing down a little bit and pacing. I think one of the things that has the tendency to make a difference in how it sounds is actually whether or not you’re smiling when you speak.
(To hear an FBI behavioral expert’s secrets on how to get people to like you, click here.)
Time to start talking. What you say first is very important. It’s one of his favorite Jedi Mind Tricks.
Are you wondering why you should start with “I’m sorry”? Well, so will they. Here’s Chris:
When the first thing you say to someone is “I’m sorry”, they think, “What in the world is going on with this person that’s causing them to say I’m sorry? I’ve got to take a look at this guy or gal.” In a very non-threatening way, you have forced them to take a look at you to figure out what’s going on.
So you’ve got their attention, they’re curious and surprised. What other effect does it have? It also makes them feel good. Here’s Chris:
It’s amazingly disarming. They know that they haven’t spoken to you at all so they’re amazed that you’re showing them that much respect to start off with. There’s great power in deference. A lot of people want to dominate a conversation, control a conversation and they forget about how much it causes your counterpart to raise their guard. When you’re very deferential, the other side has a tendency to drop their guard and they feel powerful because you’ve empowered them. What they don’t understand is that you’re the source of that power and if you can empower them you can also take it away. So it puts you in a tremendous position of advantage. You’ve already initiated the negotiation and the other side has no idea that you’re already working on them to get them to drop their guard.
(For more on how to deal with the most difficult conversations, click here.)
What’s the next Jedi Mind Trick Chris recommends?
Anticipating what I’m going to say next? Of course you are. And whatever I say, frankly, isn’t going to be as scary as whatever you just imagined.
So that’s why Chris recommends you use the phrase, “This is going to sound harsh…” It holds people’s attention and whatever comes afterward is a relief. Here’s Chris:
Whatever we think of that horrifies us seems huge and having braced ourselves for something terrible and horrifying whatever comes next is always less than what we expected. We feel relieved and it seems easy in comparison.
(For tips from Harvard Law School’s Project on Negotiation, click here.)
So you said you were sorry, and warned them that the next thing was going to sound harsh. You have their attention and they’re wondering what is going to come next… So what comes next?
Developing empathy with the other side is a huge part of the FBI Behavioral Change Stairway. And with customer service people, it’s not easy.
They’ve probably fielded 100 other calls like this with people meaner, smoother, cooler, whatever-it-is than you are. And they’re probably tuned out. They’re jaded and they’re just reading what the script tells them to say.
Their shields are up. How do we bring them down? It’s called “forced empathy.” Here’s Chris:
“Forced empathy” is an incredibly strategic way to make them see your point of view without them knowing that it’s being forced on them. In a recent post on your blog, Daniel Pink was talking about how important autonomy is to people’s motivation. The minute you start trying to force something on someone you’re taking away their autonomy and they’re getting their guard up.
You need to avoid the predictable. Leading with “I’m sorry” is actually a method of forced empathy as well.
Chris knows about this firsthand from dealing with terrorists (no, not the variety that works at Comcast). When they hear predictable phrases from FBI negotiators it was very very bad. Here’s Chris:
The minute we fall into predictable dialogue, the terrorists are looking at each other and saying “Yeah, our leaders told us you were going to say that.” And that makes them believe in the direction they were already going in even more.
So how do you use “forced empathy” and resist being predictable? Turn a complaint call into an appreciation call. Here’s Chris:
The last thing they expect you to do is appreciate what their company has done for you. Because customer service, by definition, is there to field complaints. They don’t field appreciation calls. So start off by saying, “Your company provides phenomenal service. I’m getting a great bargain and I’m a little embarrassed that I’m calling in and asking for a better deal because what your company is providing is worth every single dime that you’re charging me.”
(For my interview with Robert Cialdini, the most noted persuasion expert in the world, click here.)
They’re paying attention and they like you — so now it’s time to assert.
You don’t want to demand anything. That’s another autonomy struggle. But if you make a solid comparison then the conclusion in your head will appear in their head — and then they’re much more likely to accept it. Here’s Chris:
You lay out the empathy and then you lay out the reality and then you hit them with a “how” question. That’s a forced focus comparison. Here’s x and y — how do these two things lineup? Again, that’s why you need to say it with the late night FBI DJ voice. It’s got to be very gentle. It’s got to be very deferential so they don’t feel backed into a corner.
So how do you construct a focused comparison? For the cable company scenario let’s compare the two relevant billing schemes: loyal customers who pay their bills on time every month have to pay higher prices than strangers off the street. Does that sound fair to you? BOOM. There’s your point of attack.
But we don’t want to be too confrontational. You want them on your side. Chris explains how one of his students worded it perfectly:
He called in and he went on and on and on about how good the service was and then he said, “I’ve been a loyal customer and I’ve always paid my bill on time and then I find out that with the great value that I’m getting and the tremendous amount of loyalty that I’ve been providing that you guys are offering better deals to people who have never paid you a dime and never been a loyal customer.” He said, “How am I supposed to live with that?” The next thing he heard was the sound of crickets. Because the person on the other end of the line had no answer, it was just dead silence.
And that silence is key. Effective pauses are a key tool of FBI hostage negotiation. Here’s Chris:
Any great open ended question has got to be followed with silence. You have to let the other person respond. If you don’t, you may completely bail them out and take them off the hook. Again, that’s a very deferential approach. It’s not forcing them to answer directly but it is indirectly because you were the last person to speak.
And, yes, his student got a much better deal on his cable package.
(To read more tips from Chris click here.)
Okay, let’s review and learn my favorite insight of all.
Here’s the script from Chris:
This isn’t yelling and shouting. It’s not hardball with numbers flying back and forth. None of that works for saving hostages and it doesn’t work all that well for cable and phone companies either.
The more effective system is a lot more subtle. As Chris is fond of saying:
The most dangerous negotiation is the one you don’t know you’re in.
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